Lesson for 2006 complete: "Trust"

Here is a new realization i have just come to:

Why would one make a wish for a year to be nominated "the best year of their life"?
[this was the wish I had made for 2006, if you didn't know]

To make such a wish would imply that that you are concerned that life is not always good. It hints at a lack of trust in the divine order; or that life is not always worth living.

The experiences I have just undergone have taught me one thing so very strongly: trust. I didn't realize its connection at first to my wish; but now I can see it clearly. The most important thing I have learned from my wish; is that every year is a good year, so there is no need to make this wish. Good times come, bad times pass; its all growth, its all experience; its all the elements that give color to this life. There is no such thing as a life waisted, or a life well spent - life is life - and the gift of life, and the act of living it is, in its self, sublime.

So, now I trust, now I know. or at least, in this moment of time I have transcended the concepts of judgement one places on life-experience. I have re-entered the zen zone, the same zone I have been in before, but from a new angle*; that space where one does not loose hairs when life turns a miss; one simply makes the best of things and accepts life's twists.

Some of you will read this and say "but if you simply trust that what happens in life is 'ok'; it means you become complacent" - I have heard this argument many times; but this line of thought can't be further from what I am implying. To manifest your dreams, to obtain what it is you are looking for, you [sometimes/often] need to work very hard - you need to be merciless; to exude and evoke your power - make no doubt. But if you persevere; if you believe, and if you know and trust that in yourself; and in the virtue of life; you will never be disappointed, and all great things come to those who never give up hope. True hope. But if you do your best, and you still 'fail'; then trust that this is what is meant to be; you have done your utter best - so what more can you do but accept? Acceptance is a virtue as valued as the perseverance you need to succeed..

When I bought the new laptop a few days ago; i thought, 'ok' we finally found a [VERY CRAZY] solution to a seemingly impossible scenario - but this was not even the end of the story... I get the new computer; install all the programs, flip it over to screw in my ram into the machine so it would have enough memory only to discover that... this new machine has different sized ram chip slots!!! Defeat once more! There is no way I can run my live set with the amount of ram the computer has...
:-(

The pattern of my life was predictable:
1. Disaster makes me think I am defeated.
2. A new possible solution is discovered.
3. The possibility is tried and fails but uncovers a new potential solution [often just one new door].
4. The new possibility seems even less likely to succeed than the last and more like folly than the last thing i tried...
5. I [really] wonder if I should give up now....
6. something tells me I should continue to persevere, no matter how ridiculous it seems. Everyone believes in me; I also really-really want to play; it burns.
7. I muster the energy and attempt the new solution... though I wonder if I am not just being crazy.
8. The result of the solution is failure, but a new even-LESS likely to succeed solution presents itself! Now is it defeat? Surely this means I won't play... and the pattern repeats... over and over; for days and after a dozen failures, I try again anyways, new defeat, another even less likely door... another crazy attempt... and finally, only when I have truely learned something new about life/myself does at that very moment arrive a 'solution'.

So here i was; seemingly with all doors closed; The old, supposedly damaged laptop: my only hope.

At this point I decide that no matter what, I'm going to play, even with the damaged laptop if I need to; after all, it can crash 5 times in 5 minutes, or play fine for hours...

I want to perform like a channel; thats how I want to do art. Spirits and forces of the world; I am your channel. The moments when creativity choses me as a channel; are what I call 'high-art'. These moments are rare, but it is what my artistic side craves for.

So, using this principle, if all I have to do art with, is a pissy laptop that insists on crashing, then this is what I will channel with; I've done all I can do, the rest is not up to me.

But while this thought had come to fruition, something else curious was happening... my old laptop was passing all its hardware tests. Its odd cause it wont boot from CD - so I would assume its a hardware issue.

In a last ditch effort, I reinstall the old laptop again from scratch; get all the programs running, test it - it works... hours latter... still working... days latter... still working. The crashing has stopped. Its working. I can play; its all been a dream - a test of faith.

Here I am, 2006 is nearly over...

what will I wish for in 2007? I thought I knew, but now I am contemplating alternative wishes, or not wishing at all - and I am also contemplating making multiple wishes; who said after all that I can only make one wish per year? What a silly idea indeed.

I'm convinced beyond a doubt that wishing works, and my original intention with making wishes was to see if they work. They do, without a doubt. So now the need to test 'reality' has passed, and instead it should be replaced with intent. With meaning,... I am locked in contemplation - there are uncertainties that remain on what this intent should be... I will return with more.

With all my love to all of the ones I have ever known,

Dearest thoughts for the newest of years,

Sebastian.

*: I have discovered that the 'zen' zone, or call it what you will, is a place that is always the same when you discover it; but you can never enter into this zone via the same door twice. A moment of 'consciousness' is unique; and there is no single solution to reach this place, but there are an infinite number of doors that lead to it; only through growth, through continual change, can one discover all the doors there are on offer.