hard landings

wooo well this was a tough week! I never expected it to be as difficult as it has been.

I'm getting out of it now, seeing new perspectives, orientating. But my first week was really a trial of faith.

Going from life as a traveler to not, is a harsh shift. One which left me with images of a pinned bird, an internal fracture. Its as if my very own actions were in conflict with my own internal desires.

Before I landed I was focussed on enthusiasm; but this all shifted quickly once I realized where I was actually returning to. Previous discontentment with Amsterdam flushed back over me in even greater magnitude than when I started this journey; and my jet lag was intense.

To top it off, emotionally things have been equally tough in my romantic life. But at least it only took 2 days to reach resolution. Something which previously might have taken me weeks or months; and for that I am a little bit stronger. Resolution has brought me strength and cleared my mind. That in itself feels good; I'm looking forward to rapidly getting back that strength I had when I was single and content in NZ, as it was so pure and profound.

Practically, I'm still feeling slow in regard to picking up my life again, the idea of getting a house and a job feels wrong, but somehow I will do it. I had the idea of finishing my album and device development here, and for the time being, this is still my priority. I'll need to work for at least 4 to 8 weeks in the next 6 months to keep my funds floating, so this will also manifest itself. But beyond this time period I can not say.

In a few weeks time I'm going to travel to England; I think I need a break from Amsterdam in the short term if I am to acclimate myself here; and there are many friends and places in the UK I need to visit!

My daily routine needs working on as I have found myself reverting back to my old routine: the one before I left Holland: but somehow this just isn't me anymore; I'm someone who is outside-meeting people, active. Not a home-recluse. It's a struggle here in this culture to not be indoors all day; so in the short term I've taken it upon myself to walk around town a lot [with my camera! haha] - perhaps I am just pretending to be a tourist, I can't say, but in any case its made things a bit easier.

On the flip side: Seeing my friends has been great, and my mother is doing so well - walking fine now outside without crutches, I'm so proud of her! I was very concerned for my mother, and how her situation would be, and its only on the up here, so this has made a lot of stress inside of me lighten considerably. The long term positive effects of this shift will have lasting consequences in both our lives.

I'm now out of books again, and I want to read about permaculture next. It may slot into a new art project idea I have perfectly.

This week I am going to try and do some practical things, like prepare my taxes and for my audit - that should keep me busy! It needs to be done, so I might as well get it out of the way as quickly as possible.

Warms,

Seb.
p.s. photos still being sorted, sorry! will be uploaded soon...
p.s. Daisuke and Manami: i cant find your email address anywhere! can you please email me at stimplit at yahoo? thanks!