the disaster-grace pendulum

you know, life is weird. especially at the moment.

so, yesterday when i wrote to you all in my last blog report, i was completely unaware of my latest debacle.

It turns out that my laptop is not very healthy anymore. In the shipping of my bag from one end of the trail to another, something grave must have befallen it, cause I get a hardware crash now every so often when more than 1 thread is running. The hard disk seems fine, the problem is elsewhere but until I get to a mac store, I can't run the diagnostic to determine which component is disturbed.

Through ceremony and the placement of crystals I've managed to get it to run as long as 15 minutes before crashing in a "simulated live performance"; but not any longer. This, combined with the fact that I've sprained my ankle, has left me a rather tough spot.

I'm no where in the same state of mind as I was about 2 weeks ago; when I had lost "everything", but this situation feels all too familiar; and somehow I'm more at peace with it - despite the lingering feeling of loss and uncertainty.

I'd like to still go to the festival where I was supposed to play; but I won't be able to perform there, or in the next two gigs I had lined up for christ church and queens town. sigh.

Given my ankle, I can't exactly farm right now either, all I can do is take it easy for 2 or 3 days to let it recover so that I can then proceed further. Backing up my laptop onto an external HD seems like the most sensible next step [incase the problem suddenly expands further and I loose everything]; but I am far away from the nearest technologicalicity.

Psychologically: I'm tired. I wish I had a stable place I could call "home" - I wish I had a good job too; or a business so I could make good money again, and maybe even get a car [sound weird eh?]; but I also these desires are at conflict with my artistic desires; which tell me I should continue in my new direction of multi-media-art installations/education; and of course both of these desires are also at conflict with my ecological notions that tell me that I should do what is best for humanity; not myself - and that my core interests are at conflict with my core principles. How unfashionable.

At the moment I have no desire [or physical will] to do any sight seeing or traveling; I just want to nestle up in a nice lodge where people take care of me for a week while I gather my wits. haha, if only this could be that easy.

Why was I so silly to entrust my fragile belongings? Why did I choose a future that placed me at a dead-end of the road where I would have to walk over mountains instead of circling them and reach a very welcoming farm stead instead? I know the walk was beautiful and worth it; but it wasn't worth my laptop - that's not a good barter on my behalf.

Until now I had said that in NZ I wanted to follow my instinct, while choosing the path of least resistance. Why has this mind set led me here? I feel like I'm missing a certain degree of pragmatism; of sharpened intelligence - of foresight. I feel like I've had moments where I needed to make a decision on A or B; and I've chosen the options that seem to cost the least amount of money; but add the most amount of risk. Clearly choosing the path of least resistance is not only about low costs; but also high certainties.

My whole drama in Melbourne left me with a very weird taste for the place; and this is really no different in a way. Today I would be quite content if I was heading back home to Europe; but I realize that things need to settle in so I can re-orientate myself... maybe its just the ram thats dead? A few hundred euros would solve that. hmmm

Maybe this is like getting lost in the woods at earth core? When you are at the end of the road, and can't seem to find an exit; at this very end of the road, you meet someone else who is lost too... someone you could only meet when both of you seem to have lost current purpose.

What can I learn from this?

We shall see, I make no predictions.