when the last oak leaves fall from the tree,

This week I had friends over to share my sauna, thanksgiving is coming up soon and there will be lots of nice yummy food soon. Went out to a few parties and was reminded at just how many people I know in Portland already! It's quite amazing. It's really nice to have a supporting circle of friends here.

The biggest news however is that I broke up with Chelsea and severed the friendship - something I don't usually do, but it was necessary this time given how things unfolded.

In parallel I've been having much trouble with my back. Some friends here have been a great help, offering herbs, meals and ointments. I've been finding it really-really hard though to just lie in bed and do nothing at all for a day!

The plantsoft grant proposal was completed and we didn't get to the second round. Thanks to all of you who helped us! I feel zero dissapointment; The process was really insightful in terms of learning more about what i takes to initiate a business; as well as what our real strengths are -- things have crystalized further. At this point though it has left me in a position where I feel like I need to re-evaluate my direction, primarily because there are other gardening applications already out there that, while not exactly the similar to ours, change the market from 'emerging' to 'saturated'. My main reason for wanting to re-evaluate is because I want to make sure that where I put my energy is truly meaningful. No sense re-inventing the wheel as it were.

I came to portland with the intention of finding a place that was: "supportive and conductive to my being" -- and this is exactly what I have found. My home in particular is such a great place to live; I am very thankful. What I am applying myself to though could still be refined. If PlantSoft does fall off of the plate, there will soon be a replacement. There is potential that this will be art; or some other venture, or maybe even a fixed-position job at a company: if it's green- and of the mind-set that I resonate with. Time will tell.

In just a few weeks I will be going back to Europe. Spending time in London, Amsterdam and Israel. These 5 weeks will give me a good new perspective on things, and I'll also be able to re-evaluate my goals, dreams and future expectations.

In a previous post I made some ambitious goals for 2008, those were:

* massage cert. (at least 50% completed)
* permaculture teach trainer cert.
* horticultural software alpha
* book/card book idea developed
* native american focus (for burning man 2008 and/or by visiting a retreat in oregon/washington)
* new music live set completed in 2008 for nez live performances in 2008/2009
* at least 1 gallery expo in 2008 of my artwork in parrallel to attempts in portland to situate my art as a parallel focus (music is no longer my #1 focus and now holds place in parallel with 'art')
* develop new art ideas relatd to expo (traditional, photographic, installations and multimedia [audio-video] interactive displays)
* get an eco job; or a job i beleive in (only do what you believe)
* develop my lecture topic for BM08; probably related to my deck/book idea.
* add lighting techniques to my photography skills/knowledge so i can start making my own photosessions for artwork (live model/fashion integration)
* save enough money in 2008 to meet my personal savings/year target so that i can eventually buy land (at an as yet unknown future sapce time-location)

Of these, I can say that I accomplised the following:

* horticultural software [grant proposal/biz plan]
* 2 gallery expos in portland
* develop new art ideas relatd to expo [but not completed]
* financially in 2008 I cut even, no savings -- and with all this talk of a US economic depression on the horizon; I'm not sure where I'll be in 2009.

There are various reasons why the other goals didn't materialize.

2008 was the the wish for:

"a productive year, where I would find a place that was supportive and condussive to my dreams and ambitions"

This fully came true. So far every year has not only come true, but there has also been a moral that came with it. This year unquestionably that lesson is: "sacrifice".

I've learned that in order to do what you want to do, you need to make some very dificult choices. I've also been learning to trust my intuition even more unquestionably; even though sometimes it can seem to take me days, weeks, months or even years to make up my mind about certain things.

As a human the unknown is often scary; and choosing for something that feels better that what you have/are presented with -- even though you have no idea what that will be, is daunting. It's like choosing 'emptiness' over 'something'.

To just arrive in Portland it required long thought out sacrifices, and many tough decisions, broken hearts and unchosen paths. It's made me learn yet more about love and relationships and really turned the table over twice further.

For next year, I am still not sure what the wish will be, I'm juggling between a wish that further enforces the productivity wish; or changing gears and going for something more growth/paradym/trancendental instead. I have this feeling that I want to take where I'm at, and move it up another 10 levels. Blow up into little sparkly bits as it were. So I want to keep on the thread of being ambitious. A vipassanan cource could end up being a good way to start January/February 2009.

Much love,

Sebastian.