[updated 2006-11-30] Dance, dance, dance to the edge of time-space-motion

So the question many of you have probably asking yourselves through out all this is: what is this really all about? - why travel half way across the world? To the farthest place you can be...? what purpose could justify such a frivolous act?

Naturally I am here to visit friends and see beautiful new places, but this is only one small aspect of the full story.

When the book you are reading - which feels like the clossest parallel to your life - is a scienctific book about: "Quantum-gravity and the equiviulance of the sequestering supersymetric force in the multiverse of the 11th dimensional brane worlds"* - you know you've either totally lost it, or you're on to something deep and meaningful.

*(it may sound like sciencefiction, but this is an actual quantum / physics / cosomological scienctific research book)



I think of you daily - and my connection has been reduced to a monologue with a blog... very uninteresting form of communication. It's borring to always be talking about "me"... but I guess that's just the way it is at the moment. facts are a bit dry, so lets get into the grit of it again... shall we?

Let me remember... when did this dream all start? It was 6 or more years ago, when I was in Holland and I met some people from New Zealand... a fascination was planted in me, this couple from New Zealand I met in the Korsakof were glowing an aura of sweet, true, meaningful being - it felt like they came from a world of dreams; and I felt like they came from a land of magic in an untouched bubble of space - though on what bassis it was founded - I can not tell you. This started my fascination and through time other stories and events solidified it.

Is it wrong to drop everything? to seperate yourself from all your friends, your family, your 'carear' to travel to the furthest place you can possibly be [empirically speaking: geographically], all bassed on a "hunch" - that somehow all roads lead to this place - at the edge of time, on the brink of meaning...?

But somehow, it all feels innevitable... like those final scenes in the Matrix 3 when you learn that you have lived this life countless times, and no matter what choices you make, you always end up at the same place, eventually... or like I was taught in portugal: at the center of the mandalla.

It feels somehow logical that I would eventually end up putting everything on the line, all based on a whimsicle fantasy. The feeling is similar to putting all your chips down on the roulette table because you know that somewhere out there, you are meant to win, and there is no risk that is not worth taking... or put another way: its like firmly believing that you can fly - because a voice inside of you knows that you can (even though the rest of the world says you can't) ... so you jump with conviction from the edge of space and into the void.

It feels like no matter which road I had gone down in life, eventually I would be here - confronting life head-on by stopping everything - clearing the entire table, putting everything on halt and back to zero because something essential must be dealt with. It feels like entering the boxing ring with life and saying "ok, i'm here for the fight, now show me what you have got! I'm ready."

Actually, more correctly, it feels like I have been in this place before - but not in this life time. It's like this: It's feels like you are in a dream, everyone tells you that you are in reality - but you can tell from the clues that you are in a dream. And the more clues pop up, the more you can see that reality is nothing more than an abstract projection - only you know that you were here before; either uncovering the same dream-reality coverup - or in a dream uncovering it was only a dream within a dream... and now you find out that the dream within a dream is also within a dream.



Is it folly? Have I really lost it? What do I hope to achieve? I don't fully know, I guess time will soon reveal the meaning of purpose, and my deeper question(s). it would be so much easier if I really knew the fundamental purpose of my actions - but if I knew - I'd probably already know the answers and then I'd probably never have needed to undergo this process. I suppose we all follow this pattern; we rail up quests and challenges, twists and turns in our life so that we may confront ourselves with the questions our soul [always already] knows the answers to; to re-open up to ourselves new layers of self-awareness.

In any case, the money is running out now quickly; and it certainly makes things feel a lot more real somehow when your very survival becomes an hour glass. it's as if when the money runs out, reality crystalizes from mist into stone.

Another question which I do know is being asked, is my practical purpose - there is nothing more abstract than the profession title "artist" - and its terribly insufficient. What have I been doing until now in life? just bouncing around, tasting a little bit of this, a little bit of that... but nothing firmly rooted as a personal mission-question; and I'm tired of any path that leads to meager self-indulgence.

I decided at the start of the year that the best way I could make a difference is in stimulating awareness/conciousness in others - but its such a terribly abstract concept which has yet to manifest itself into applicable ideas.

Somehow here in Australia you really feel the worlds environmental problems. People are aware of the issues - though the government still does next to nothing to correct or prevent... and yet the possibilities for real change are endless.

Tackling directly head-on the problems of our society seem terribly futile; which means an alternative method for stimulating "conscious change, before unavoidable change overwhelms us -" , is necessary.

The irony is we have the power to make this change, only people don't want it - or rather, are afraid or ignorant - or both. All it takes is for everyone to stop what they are doing, and stand up for themselves [and the planet]. Seriously, we all stop our jobs - stop buying crap and tackle one issue at a time over the course of a year and presto, planet fixed. But people are comfortable, people are lazy, and people don't see the real issues, because they listen to what they are told - the blind leading the blind; its the eternal cycle. Man's future feels like a natural tsunami; you can't stop it, its got momentum that is beyond your power - and yet you can't find anything else in life that has meaning, but there is no way to stop the tsunami; so the frustration continues and what other passions you can consider seem insignificant in comporissan.

Eventually we will all need to think "sustainable", whether we like it or not; the sooner we adapt to a more sustainable form of being, the lighter the impact that change will have on our lively hood... it's like watching a friend fall into the pit of blame until they enter complete isolation and then have no one else to point the finger to than themselves... it's not necessary to go down to the deepest and darkest recesses of life to learn important lessons - and it would be a shame if we can't avoid our own [near-total] self-annihilation.

I really believe that man will survive into the future, it is the gravity of the change I would do anything to alleviate - to ease the transitionary phase.

while I was at the festival, and witnessing the really obvious negative habits of others [litter, waist, frivolity] - it occurred to me that every child could benefit so greatly from a burning-man-esque life style for at least 1 week a year while they were growing up. By "burning-man-esque" I mean a place where you go and you can't use money, you have to bring your own food, everyone gives, everyone shares, and when you leave you ensure that not even the smallest scrap of paper is left on the earth - no bins, no passing the buck to anyone else to clean up after your mess. After all, if I can put my trash in a bin so someone else can clean it - it means that my society can dump its trash in the bin [=ocean or some other country] so someone else can deal with it. Systems need to be self reliant when it comes to the entire food-waist chain of your own energies to prevent the very social issues we witness eating our planet up today.

Mars, power and the 2nd chakra:
These subjects all relate to me in Australia... power is an unfamiliar subject, or at least, one which I have not really delved into that deeply; prior to now. Until now I've only thought of power in-terms of its corruptive nature... But what is power - if it is not corruption? What I have read so far inkles at more "empowerment" than pure power. Or: "my ability to achieve what I desire" loose and unrelated to its virtue, moral implications. It is one's ability to make a change - to put force into action - or to draw together the components of life that are necessary to facilitate a reorganization of your world. Power without wisdom is destructive. Wisdom without power is ineffective. To really make a difference, both forces need to become one. The key to avoiding corruption is possibly the realization that it is the ideas that need empowerment, not the person(s) who employ them.

I am cautious to not be anthropic in my perceptions, by projecting meaning onto things that don't exist. But does it really matter if we see that which we want to see? Is it not natural to interpret the world through our own eyes and cognitive processes? After all, whether I wish to see an event as simply a scientific process, or a cultural event, or a magical occurrence or some other thing - is irrelevant in and of itself - it is only in relation to context and application that one's world view can be judged as unsatisfactory.

So I ask my self: Am I on a self fulfilling prophesy? If I am, what difference does it matter? Is everyone on a self-fulfilling prophesy? Is the world (society, man but also nature) not one big self-fulfilling prophesy too? If reality is so malleable that mere projected thought can create reciprocated response - what does that say about the definition of reality?

And also of importance to consider: why is it that people reject notions that do not conform to the norm-accepted perspectives of reality? Is it only because of social conditioning [you must see the world in *our* way to be part of the group] - or is this fear based on more primal fears which have to do with the rejection of the notion that we are more powerful than we are willing to accept? Is it simply a fear of self-materialization? A lethargy based on an inner desire to not take responsibility for our lives? Surely this entire web of social and psychological subjects intertwines at a fairly fundamental level - and I am not sure anymore that sifting reality in a manner you deem significant needs to be all that in-tune with the major memes of the world we occupy.

And now I regress...

Melbourne: ... is a wonderful place, cafe's with DJ's everywhere, very laid back, very european. Its a bit cold at night - and there is less surfing here; but it makes up for it in gobs of style. It would be terribly easy to live here... and I already have so many (new) friends here.

if I need to make money before I go to Japan [or if I want to travel to the desert in mid-australia] - then I may very well return here.

But, before we continue, I really must talk about my time at the earth core festival:

Earthcore was a complex mixture of feelings and experiences; I've grown and [re]learned things about myself, as is the case at nearly all festivals I have the honor of attending, and this one was no other.

As soon as I arrived, I was welcomed with unconditional affection by a group of local party gowers in their mid/end 30s in the camp next to me... they we're incredibly friendly and shared and took complete care of me - I'm discovering how its actually more dificult for me to accept generosity than it is to be giving... or self sufficient.

On the first evening I went to the dance floor, and gravitated to the psy-trance space, and there I contemplated all of the things I'm discussing here, and lots more... I had an incredibly good time dancing and just being in my own world - somehow I was not really open to making contacts, and I was just happy observing the odd mixture of people from different wakes of life... japanese/malaysian/asian people, scruffy australians, middle class australian youth [neither conservative nor liberal], the odd metro sexual male, the young horney youths who make good of the Australian drinking/drug strereo type and australian equivilant of the hippie-savant...

everything was on a lower key scale, no real fancy deco, no real proper sitting spaces, but there was a nice river you can swim in, lots and lots of shops and no less than 7 dance floors [but only 4 were running on the first night].

Dancing here I felt like I was really on the other side of the world, at the edge of time dancing on the end of a pencil head; achieving the impossible for a limited amount of time - at least, this was the tension that trickled underneath my skin.
There were many moments where I was just completly lost in the music, dancing in what felt like perfection of motion...

Between some beats I met Chelsea and her friends from Melbourne. Word up to Mag!!
;-)

After a bit, I went venturing to find my camp - an hour in the dark later, it was impossible to find! I just meandered through forested pathways for at least an hour until I suddenly bumped into... myself...



yes, I bumped into me, only I was not me, I was australian with curly hair and an ozie accent. but it was me, or at least, another me. with the same eyes, the same face and manerisms, the same laugh, and I knew it was me straight away and it was scary - he was also lost, and we both didn't know where our camps were, we were so teribly comfortable around each other straight away it was just ridiculously freaky, I knew exactly how he was feeling or thinking the entire time because it was the most natural thing. it was easy to think for him - for he was terribly easy to read, he had a different life, for sure, i could see that, but the core of his thought was identical; it's like viewing a crystal from a different angel - its still the same stone, only from a different side it has a different reflection and outline-shape.

I've never encountered someone who is my duplicate. A parallel me - but I think I did on this night; he wanted to become my friend and hang out with me; but I didn't; it felt somehow wrong to be with your duplicate, as if the particle and anti-particle cant be together because they would contradict each other. But it felt good to meet him, erm i mean: me; he was a really nice person - it was like confronting yourself in the mirror and then not being afraid of the reflection - and it felt like he was on the right path - which must mean I am on the right path - as you can see; this is terribly silly...
=-P

So I went my own way, out of that space where we were both lost, at the polar opposition of the end of space, and back into the found-world. I didn't bump into him - i mean me - again.

[b.t.w. years ago at burning man 2002 I had an experience where I stepped through a mirror and exchanged places with myself, but this is a rather different story]

The next day I met some other sweet people and swam a lot in the river, on my back with my head upside down on a blown up octapus called "bernie" - this was loads of fun, man is it HOT in this part of the world, barely survivable!

In the evening the real party begins and all 7 stages are active... when the main stage finally openned I was expecting something like at the voov (a german festival) - but boy was I wrong!

the main stage was the most odd thing I have ever seen, but I can't really tell you why. Barely any lights or atmosphere and it was big and large but somehow not - it was very-very odd; I couldn't help but laugh in stitches every time I passed it, just at the sheer bizareness of it and how irrational it looked. somehow everything about it was just subtly wrong. the vibe was not pumping, the music was slow and un-motivating, the crowd felt half-baked; everything was out of order, and thus as a whole utterly ridiculous ["ridiculous" is a fashionable key word I've heard and used most of this year...].

During the night I noticed I got a lot of attention from girls; despite me activly being in solo-shield mode [I really didn't feel up to meeting anyone]. I can't tell you if its because Australian girls are more actively into guys - or if its because I now have dreads, but the effect was quite real; I've had to adjust a little.

I think I was in a solo shell because I was actually savoring this feeling of total isolation in the farthest reaches of earth - and meeting people would spoil that isolation. But another part of me was afraid to make contact with someone I might not want to leave behind or who could affect my plans. Ironically I've told myself before that I should simply enjoy the moment and not worry about the future - but no matter how many times you learn certain lessons, they do seem to need repeating.

Late on Saturday night I did yoga / mediation back at my tent and felt completly rejuvenated and far more peaceful and complete afterwards. The yoga was amazing and I've decided to do yoga now as a strict daily routine. I've also decided to be completly sobber/straight from now on; at least for a while; as I really feel that this is where I can learn and grown the most at the moment - and it is the mode in which I opperate the most clearly / beautifully - in this state of being; *I* am empowered.

Sunday was a nice relaxing day with stages bizarly turning off and then back on for hours - apparently this was the last earth-core ever [due to the cops roaming around and busting people with dogs!!!! and not enough people turning up].



I met some more really friendly people, including a girl, Katie, whom I hung out with and spent some close time with. I surprised myself when I openned up and made a move, as I was really not in the mind set, I'm still feeling very reserved and protective you see - I think somehow I grew tired of the self impossed distance and thus broke out of my shell a little. We spent some time together, though not as much as I would have liked; I will probably meet her again in Melbourne over the coming days I am here.

Afterwards I got lots of different offers for rides back to Melbourne, and decided to stay a couple of days with the crew I was camped with instead: Dean, Bennie, Michael and Neil in their home village just 30 min from the festival in Shepparden. I'm still taken back by how incredibly open armed they have been to me - it was such an honor to meet them and lots of fun!

Dean is a really sweet artist type australian dude who looks like an ultra sexy rock star. He has a special aura that just attracts the ladies to him like you wouldn't believe - he knows exactly how to treat a lady right, they know it, they love it. Though he's been in a relationship with a beautiful woman named Andrea for years. The first night I spent at his house, we were both completely dead tired. We are sitting up the video game PS2 console to play and watching cartoons, Dean is hitting a bong for himself [I politely passed] when all of a sudden he jumps and runs out of the room in a panic trying to hide the bong. I'm confused, I look up and there is this 14 year old boy standing at the living room sliding glass door... he doesn't say anything - but its obvious he wants to get let in; so I open the door for him. Dean comes back into the room and pretends nothing happened... I swear it looked like Dean was the 14 year old and the kid, Keith, was acting like his father! Minutes latter Dean and I are lying on the floor, on bean bags, and within 30 seconds we both fall into irresistible sleep [neither of us got much sleep at the festival, as you can tell] - I get woken up briefly by Keith saying "Dad"... "dad?".... "dad?"..... but its of no use, Dean is dead asleep... sprawled on the floor out next to me... Keith is standing over us and I really don't know what to do, cause I'm also extremely tired, and I feel overly embarrassed for Dean - so I pretend this is not happening and close my eyes and just keep sleeping... hours latter, we wake up - Keith had given up on us, and gone over to his mothers house.

So now I am in Melbourne, and meeting Ihor, I'ts surprising how many people I know here already - I'm currently sneaking between the 5 star Hyatt Hotel with spa, sauna and pool; to grumy hostels;- so I don't have to pay any accommodation fee's! - hehe- quit the juggling feat! But so far so good - I'm saving money!

This weekend should be nice as I already have many different groups of friends in Melbourne - I know now 5 distinct groups of people here... how bizarre after only being here for 2 days!?!?!
=-P

Hope some of this was fun to read!!

with love,

Sebastian.
p.s. I know what my magic wish is going to be for 2007, but I'll save that for next time!!